I’ve reached a point where I’m too afraid to hurt someone so I just stay quiet.
I had a dream trying my best not to sound like Martin Luther King , well actually more of a thought,
It was more of a day dream kinda scenario, Y’KNOW WHAT, IT WAS SOMETHING TO HAVE A THOUGHT ON.
Anyway, it was what valentine’s day would hold for the 17 year old kid.
I just sat on my bed and poof, my head began running thoughts like, Ask miss gorgeous out, scenarios like, maybe she’d like it if I were persistent,
we both could be sitting in opposite tables, making cliche talks about how cliche the scenario itself was. wow I use scenario a lot.
But then reality came in with a needle and popped the cloud.
I’ve tried before, I’ve tried so much, it wont happen. And no matter how hard I try to forget having any emotions towards her, it just wont go.
But for some reason I feel guilty, guilty that I’m going to bars to pick up girls. I wont drink, of course.
WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY, I’M A SINGLE TEENAGER THAT NEEDS SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
Well it’s simple, you stupid stupid Ninad, deep down, you still like her.
Oh shut up, Alter-Ninad.
I’m pretty sure she’s waiting for someone for her valentine’s anyway. Someone that isn’t me.
so Ninad, move on. Alright?
Prideful prick, sometimes I really wonder when can I throw him into a volcano.
The only way I can get through the day is by thinking “it’s almost over”.
It’s so annoying to have such a friend,
you finally agree with what he says and suddenly he changes it,
it’s just annoying.
I have a certain limit to how much a person can taunt me or advice me on something,
but this is going on too far.
It’s just too much.
Telling me to ‘Socialize’ as though I have no friends,
He defines friends, to him, friends are like currency, the more you have, the ‘richer’ you are.
When you know it’s wrong, you can’t just sit there and watch it happen.
Even if in the end, they turn on you, it doesn’t matter,
your principals, your ideals, your reasoning is what makes you, you.
Sometimes all I think of is “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PANSY ASS DOUCHEBAG”.
Well it’s simple.
People keep lecturing me on stuff and all I do is nod.
apparently it’s gotten to the point where they try to control my life and all I do, is nod.
Imagine this, the most friendliest person being that guy.
Well it’s not really rejected.
I’ve been dating a girl for a while now, but she’s a bit of a commitphobic, if that’s even a word.
but the reason I cant continue is cause I’ve fallen for the idea of her.
it’s not something like, “you got her, now you dont want her anymore” situation, it’s more of how I liked her personality and everything about her, but for some reason, I don’t feel anything.
I’m not sure why it’s so, but come on, why do I have this kind of shit going around, I have semester 2 to be worried about.
The thing I can’t stop thinking though is, are we even in a relationship?
her being a commitphobe probably thinks of us more of a friendship, so I’m not sure.
But ill ponder along that.
Till then, ill occupy myself with gym and drawing.
YAY FOR PRODUCTIVITY.
I realize that every fucking thing around me leaves a trail of judgement.
Me saying anything even remotely close to an issue is going to mess things up. Sure there are people that talk behind me, I’m not sure who’s ever fine with that, but GOD, CAN YOU GIVE ME A BREAK AND JUST SHUT UP.
This whole time, I wonder, how am I to stay true to myself if I’m not allowed to speak what I have in mind.
Anything I might say willingly is probably going to pass judgments.
that’s probably the saddest thing in this world, the amount of fake people increasing, the amount of lies spreading, sure this is a pessimistic view of life but it’s the truth.
Another year passes, another set of lies put to rest, some carried on to the next session, some growing as far as the eye can see, we’re all just re-living the past in the end.
my new year’s resolution is going to be:
Be slightly less of a douche.
decrease the amount of fake people in my life.
Well my whole family’s back together, that would be a good thing if it weren’t for the fights and arguments.
Everyday, there’s a quarrel, I can’t even begin to have a good day with my family guilty tripping me or arguing about something, it’s all a giant mess.
why cant we all just stay quiet and live together for at least a week.
this is why I want cats, just cats.
heck, my future will have 7 cats in my living room, we’ll be 50 wonderful lives together.